MEN BEHAVING DADLY

With this exposition, we will share some historical perspective and the statistics that support the theory that fathers, no matter their ethnicity, are vital in the lives of their children. We will endeavor to answer some of the following questions in a series of articles to enlighten our community with respect to true father engagement in the black family.

Why are Fathers Missing?

• —  The system
• —  Multiple Families
• —  No Money, No child
• —  Operating under the wire
• —  Child as a pawn
• —  The thrill is gone
• —  Adversarial Relationships
• —  Family Interference
• —  No model for marriage/marriage issues
• —  Spiritual or religious upheaval

Data shows that when fathers are engaged in positive, nurturing relationships with their children, the IQ of those children is, on average, 4.7 points higher than children whose fathers were not engaged.

When the parents of a child work together, whether married and living together or in separate residences, children have a greater sense of self-worth and security. These children are less likely to be involved with the criminal justice system and are more likely to graduate from high school and matriculate to places of higher education.

Co-parenting is the key that allows the child to experience the joy of both parents. While it is true that some men are not taking responsibility for their children, it is also true that some women are the reason that men are not engaged in the lives of their children. 

In the opening paragraph of Ralph Ellison's "Invisible Man," published in 1952, the male narrator says that he is invisible "simply because people refuse to see me." That is, "like the bodiless heads you see sometimes in circus sideshows, it is as though I have been surrounded by mirrors of hard, distorted glass." And, "when they approach me they see only my surroundings, themselves, or figments of their imagination, indeed, everything and anything except me."

This particular brand of invisibility generally characterizes the existence of black fathers in contemporary America.

The role of black fathers is one of the strongest and most important traditions in the black community. There is no question that in their earliest years in the New World, enslaved people were concerned about their fathers. Moreover, their loyalty to their fathers (and mothers) defined the efforts of their white slaveholders to break the family bonds of their slaves.

My argument, however, is that rather than being stripped of our masculinity and experiencing the dissolution and overall disruption of any black familial structure, black fathers have served the black community well, including in the present.

Even during the many decades of slavery, black fathers performed what men have often derisively, called "feminine tasks." Moreover, some psychologists and historians have mislabeled the carrying out of these tasks as constituting a form of "male castration." They have argued that performing these tasks (such as nurturing and caretaking) amounted to the "victimization" of black fathers.

My counter-argument is supported by a careful assessment of the functions of fathers, especially those held in slavery, and draws upon slave narratives, which clearly demonstrated male participation in such "feminine" roles as those of full-time fathers, nurturers, caretakers, and single parents’ roles, which gave full range to the sentimental abilities of black fathers.

A close reading of slave narratives reveals the emotive and caring nature of black fathers. For example, Eugene Genovese, in his "Roll, Jordan, Roll" (1978), relates the story of one George Payne of Virginia, who wept when his child was sold away from him. Similarly, Professor Genovese relates the story of another Virginia slave who chopped off his left hand with a hatchet to prevent his being sold away from his child.

These and many other instances point out the reality that, for black fathers, the traits of nurturance and devotion, or what sociologists have termed "positive behavioral characteristics," most definitely were present. If it appears to some that such traits were lacking, this is mainly because these traits have seldom been commented on in the media.

Regarding family and personal relationships, today's black males are no less sensitive than their ancestors were. According to one black physician, "black men come to the psychiatrist's office in large numbers, in pain and genuinely seeking help. They have little or nothing to say about the statistics, myths, and other sociological pronouncements so often made about them. Rather, they come in talking about depression, anxiety, frustration, fear, guilt, esteem issues, and anger that are most often related to the close, ongoing relationships in their lives." (Henry E. Edward, "Black Families in Crisis: the Middle Class," 1988).

As a pastor in a multi-ethnic community, I emphasize solutions rather than problems. Thus, I cannot conclude this writing without advancing some suggestions for supporting black fathers:

1. Reach out to black fathers. If you know of a "full-time dad," support and encourage him. Let him know you care, and appreciate his presence in his child’s life.
2. Take your brother/friend/father to church. Faith/Religion is a source of strength for all of us. Too often, because of a false sense of masculinity and machismo, black fathers do not want to acknowledge their need for God. Encourage your pastor to support "full-time dads."
3. If the black father has been abusive, use the occasion to help him discuss this situation. Again, acknowledging the role which sexism has played in our lives, it is difficult for black men to express their emotions. Encourage him to be gentle and loving, and to participate in domestic violence therapy/classes, and anger management courses. Let him know you love him, even if he is not muscular like LeBron James or graceful like Dwayne Wade.
4. Boycott radio stations, talk-show hosts, newspapers and businesses that defame black fathers.
5. Oppose further cuts in jobs and social service programs. Defend those programs and policies that allow black fathers to earn the money necessary to provide for their families.
6. Encourage "full-time dads" to join a black men's group, such as those organized in the inner cities and churches. Black men need the support of other black men in order to be good fathers.
7. Encourage teachers and professors to discuss the plight of the black father in their classes.

While these suggestions focus on what others can do to help black fathers, there are measures, which we as black fathers can do to help ourselves. Black fathers are not blameless in their own oppression. Too often, we are abusive toward black women; a black woman is 16 times more likely to be raped than a white woman is. Moreover, we are too often absent as fathers in our families and communities.

Black fathers must therefore understand that black women are their equals. It is easy to blame the black woman for all pathologies in the black community, since too many of us leave the raising of our children to mothers. In addition, when children commit crimes, we blame the victims: black women and black children.

The positive examples cited in this dissertation debunk the opinion sometimes voiced by talk shows that black fathers do not care and have never cared about their children. Ironically, this view is sometimes echoed by some black women who assert that "there are no good black men left" and that "they (black men) take after their no-good black fathers."

The majority of black fathers, however, are still waiting to exhale. That is, we are still waiting for the black media to acknowledge our presence and to write something good about us. We are still waiting for our own to recognize that we are here and we are viable. (content and statistics drawn from various sources)

If you are a single parent, contact us via email: info@lotwdc.org or phone us at 303.312.1347.

We will schedule some time for a discussion of your desires for inclusion. We have the tools and the staff to assist in this arena.

Our ministry also works with mother's that are not involved, but desire to have/establish a relationship with their child.

Be blessed as we pray for the family unit to be strengthened in Christ.

Back by popular demand!

SOME GUIDELINES FOR PICKING A GOOD CHURCH

    Please do not take offense. How can you know which is which? The answer always lies in the bible. You need to study your bible carefully, and if your church does not teach as the bible does, run from that church and find one that does. You might ask, "Could you give me some guidelines?" Here are a few.
   Look for altar calls in the church. Look for your preacher to encourage those who have not received Christ to come forward at the end of the service and to repent of their sins, and to say a sinner’s prayer.
   Another guideline is to make sure the church is not a member of the National Council of Churches (NCC) or the World Council of Churches. If it is, run from it.
   Another guideline is does your church do baptism as the bible commands? Do they baptize people by full immersion (into the water), AFTER a person believes in Jesus and has repented of their sins? The bible is unmistakably clear that we are to be "buried with Jesus," buried in the water. If your church does not teach this way, run from that church. If they do infant or sprinkling baptism, leave.
   If the church does not baptize in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, run from that church. Do not argue with them. Just get away fast, lest you also become deceived.
   Does your church believe that the whole bible is the perfect Word of God?
   Does your church believe that Jesus Christ is God?
   Do they believe and confess that Jesus is the Christ, Who came to this earth in the flesh, as in 1 Jn 4:2,3, and 2 Jn 7.
   If you go to any church that teaches "it" is the "only" way, run from that church. A church doesn't save any one. It is by faith in the name and shed blood of Jesus Christ.
   Any church that teaches the worship of the virgin Mary, run away.
   Any church that teaches to pray to dead saints, run away.
   Any church that practices ancestor worship or condones the practice of it by others, run away.
   Any church that uses astrology, in any way, run away fast.
   Any church that prays in any name other than Jesus Christ, run away.
   Any church that consults the dead, flee from that church.
   Any church that uses any kind of trinkets, idols, or any objects for worship, get away from that church. Jesus Christ is the only way.
   Any church that does not teach bible prophecy and the Revelation, go from that church.
   Any church that does not believe the Rapture comes before the Tribulation, leave that church.
   Any church that does not believe in the three Persons of the Trinity, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, run from them. This is covered in more detail under doctrines—The Trinity.
   Any church that does not teach the whole bible, get away from it. For example, some churches may preach only the Epistles and others only the Psalms or Proverbs. Some may only teach the Old Testament; while others may only teach the four Gospels. Some may not teach the bible at all. Run from all of these.
   Some claim to be Christian, and great healings appear to take place; but the healings are not done in the name of Jesus, or the healings deceive people and lead people away from Jesus. Run from these.
   Another thing to look for, but is difficult to find, does the preacher use a lot of Scripture when he preaches? Regretfully, most preachers, including those that are born-again these days, go on and on with vain janglings, or stories about themselves, and their families, and things that happened to them. Some even quote from other books and other people, while using no more than a couple verses of Scripture in their whole sermon; however, the use of much Scripture alone is not an indication that the pastor is born-again or that it is a good church. Many cults also use Scripture; but they use it incorrectly.
   Watch out for churches that are only ceremonies and for those that do not encourage you to bring your bible to the service. Run from these, and don’t look back.
   Some churches sing, and sing, and sing, and there is very little instruction from God’s Word. Run from these.
   If the church does not emphasize repentance and faith in Jesus Christ, leave that church.
   Run from churches that regard any other book on the same level as the bible.
   Any church that claims their leader is infallible, get away from it.
   Beware of any church whose leader is living in fornication, adultery, homosexuality, or has more than one wife. Flee from that church. In some countries, perhaps as much as 80% of the population (including "so-called" Christian preachers) are not married, but are simply living with someone according to tribal or cultural traditions.

   Beware of any preacher that does not display the attitude of Christ—the fruit of the Spirit. A person that is close to God should have an attitude of humility, brokenness before the Lord, and meekness. The attitude we should have is to be a SERVANT OF ALL-Mk 9:35. Mt 20:27-AND WHOSOEVER WILL BE CHIEF AMONG YOU, LET HIM BE YOUR SERVANT. Ja 4:6-WHEREFORE HE SAITH, GOD RESISTETH THE PROUD, BUT GIVETH GRACE UNTO THE HUMBLE.
   Beware of any church whose leader claims to be an apostle. Run away. This is not the attitude of humility, meekness, and the fruits you are to follow.
   Beware of any preacher that goes about  pridefully claiming to be a prophet of God. Mt 24, Lk 21, Mk 13, and Jeremiah all show us clearly that this is an age of many false prophets. If you know and understand the Scriptures, then you know these things are true. The subject of false prophets in this generation should be covered in other categories on this site. There is prophesying in some churches; however, regretfully, almost no churches anymore examine what is being spoken by God’s Word. As a result, many prophecies are coming forth that are unbiblical. Some false prophecies even come forth on the radio or television. Some are published in religious magazines, yet are called the Word of God. If you've read this, from now on you can't say you didn't know.
   Beware of anyone that might come to you and say, "God told me to tell you this or that."
   Warning: if your preacher does not believe in teaching on bible prophecy, the Revelation, and is not teaching that Jesus Christ may soon return, run from that church. However, be warned. Even though a preacher may have many college degrees, these are no guarantee that he is walking with God.

    If you are unable to find a good, bible teaching church in this lukewarm church age, then get alone with the Lord: study, study, and study your bible and draw closer to Jesus through His Word.  Get to know Jesus. If you have found a good, bible teaching church, then support it; but remember that your allegiance is to Jesus above all things. Obey the Gospel. Never try to split or break up any church. It is written, Mt 15:12-14-THEN CAME HIS DISCIPLES, AND SAID UNTO HIM, KNOWEST THOU THAT THE PHARISEES WERE OFFENDED, AFTER THEY HEARD THIS SAYING? BUT HE ANSWERED AND SAID, EVERY PLANT, WHICH MY HEAVENLY FATHER HATH NOT PLANTED, SHALL BE ROOTED UP. LET THEM ALONE: THEY BE BLIND LEADERS OF THE BLIND. AND IF THE BLIND LEAD THE BLIND, BOTH SHALL FALL INTO THE DITCH.
   The Scripture tells us in Heb 10:25-NOT FORSAKING THE ASSEMBLING OF OURSELVES TOGETHER, AS THE MANNER OF SOME IS…AND SO MUCH THE MORE, AS YE SEE THE DAY APPROACHING. This is a command to believers. Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing; and all the more as you see the day approaching (as you see the day approaching for the soon return of Jesus Christ). God’s Word is commanding us to keep assembling together, and do not forsake it. We need fellowship with other strong believers (as evidenced by their fruits). So many people say they are a Christian, but refuse to obey what God tells them to do. God wants you to go to church and often. Not just on Sundays. Note the church in Acts 2:46-AND THEY, CONTINUING DAILY WITH ONE ACCORD IN THE TEMPLE, AND BREAKING BREAD FROM HOUSE TO HOUSE, DID EAT THEIR MEAT WITH GLADNESS AND SINGLENESS OF HEART. Note, they continued daily. Separate from unbelievers, and fellowship with believers. Ecc 4:9,10,12-TWO ARE BETTER THAN ONE; BECAUSE THEY HAVE A GOOD REWARD FOR THEIR LABOUR. FOR IF THEY FALL (now Satan will do all that he can to cause you to fall back into your old sinful ways), THE ONE WILL LIFT UP HIS FELLOW: BUT WOE TO HIM THAT IS ALONE WHEN HE FALLETH; FOR HE HATH NOT ANOTHER TO HELP HIM UP. AND IF ONE PREVAIL AGAINST HIM, TWO SHALL WITHSTAND HIM; AND A THREEFOLD CORD IS NOT QUICKLY BROKEN. Beware, Satan is far more crafty than people realize. Beware of how Satan may try to get you away from a good, bible teaching church, if in fact you are attending one. He may try to get you to attend a church that teaches less Scripture and less accurately. Remember to examine all things in the light of God's Word.

The Lord has blessed LOTW with many anointed, gifted, and talented individuals. After seeking direction and guidance from the Lord, it was given unto us to share the ministry gifts of our church with the body of Christ across the country, as the Lord has directed.

With that said, we have identified several SME's (subject matter experts) in our church family.

For example, if you are in need of a SME to provide direction in the establishment of or gaining greater efficiency and effectiveness in a particular ministry or team within your church, you would simply contact the church and share the area that you are requesting assistance in and we will contact you and move forward in our efforts to meet your need.

It's that simple. God has appointed us for such a time as this.

To contact us, call 303.312.1347 or email us at info@lotwdc.org.

Be blessed.